Day 73 Like Tito, (Not) Like Kuya

I had an argument heated debate with my friend, Elliot*.

See, Elliot, while growing up as Filipino and grudgingly -Catholic as myself, had a particularly…unique perspective most of the other kids in our pseudo-family didn’t: his parents divorced.

Yeah yeah I know I know, “Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce andblahblahaskdhjfaihjassnoooore.”

Well, first off, the statement is an epic fallacy of generalization, but that’s for later. On the Elliot issue, and pretty much the entire Filipino culture, the divorce was kind of a big deal just because, well, Filipinos don’t divorce.

No, really.

Married couples cannot divorce in the Philippines. You can be separated by years or even a few oceans and continent and even have a new family outside of your marriage, but as long as you and your partner are alive, Filipinos.don’t.divorce.

Now, I can dive into all the “Western” reasons why I think this concept is just ridiculous. Or I could post pictures of my aunt, face bruise and busted courtesy of the man she has finally filed for separation from after literally years and years of abuse, neglect and shame. But there are some levels of privacy and decorum that I’m not willing to overstep yet so I won’t. But suffice to say, that is the kind of culture I’ve been exposed to; where you stay married even when your spouse beats the shit out of you because you said so in front of God, and to revoke your vow is to take a shit at the pearly gates.

Elliot’s family life is then, a detour of “traditional” Filipino-American households.

But his isn’t the only one. As we spoke, he talked about the titas he’s grown up with, saying at one point,

“Maybe out of fifteen titas, there has been actual proof that ten of them have been cheated on.”

Which lead him to succinctly conclude that,

“Everyone needs to enter a relationship expecting that they’re going to get cheated on.”

………I think I sat in stunned silence in the trunk of his mother’s SUV for about ten seconds to digest that incredibly ridiculous concept. And I told him as much.

“That’s ridiculous.” I scoffed. “Who the hell gets into a relationship thinking that?”

“I’m just saying,” Elliot shrugged. “It happens more often than you’d think. You can’t be naïve to think that after five, ten, twenty years that people will still be able keep away from all the temptations that are put in front of them.”

“Well, then that’s up to the person to keep away from those temptations.” I insisted. “And if you can’t, if you get to the point in your relationship where you can’t be happy with that person you’re with,” I shrugged. “Then leave. There’s no point in staying and making each other miserable…”

And here is where I get to talk about how divorce rates are an epic fallacy. Gio isn’t currently online so I can’t access the link to the article I was going to talk about on the third or fourth day of this blog, but I’ll summarize.

The statistic of “50% of marriages end in divorce” is taken out of context. Let’s take into account that the majority of these divorces are being conducted by people who marry young when they’re emotionally, mentally, and horribly financially unstable. It’s face it: who the hell is remotely capable of taking care of themselves during the college years, let alone another human being?? College kids change their majors at least 4 times before they graduate (if they ever do) so you gotta stop and wonder if these people are really at that stage in their lives where they’re capable of making lifelong decisions about what paths to follow, let alone with who they’re supposed to walk it with.

So, when you start out in a relationship that wobbles when it stands, how do you even remotely expect it to walk, let alone run, smoothly? The answer? You don’t.

I mean, people are bound to change with time, goals alter and dreams get a little hazy so of course you’re going to wake up one day and not be completely and utterly in love with the person you’re sharing a bed with. But so what? People have come to associate love with marriage so often that they fail to realize that the idea of love playing a part in deciding who to marry isn’t really as old as the fairy tales would like us to believe. Love is like the humans that declare it; capable of changing and dying.

I asked Elliot about the last great love of his life, my friend Rita*, whom he was willing to sell his expansive collection of sneakers for to get tickets to visit her on the other side of the country when she went away to college after a few months of dating each other. I asked him if he thought, as the person he is today, he’d be willing to be with her based on that love for her, knowing full well that she wouldn’t be the same person he fell in love with. He said no.

Marriage, on the other hand, is supposed to last a lifetime. It doesn’t have to, but hardly anyone would willingly make such a promise to live out their natural existence if they didn’t mean it…or admittedly had ulterior motives.  

But we’re gradually being taught that it’s okay and even accepted to do so. And yeah, you could, it’s a free country, and in some instances like my aunt’s you probably should. But more often than not, marriages fail because it had some shitty legs to stand on in the first place.

Also, has anyone considered the other side of that statistic?

If 50% of marriages fail, then does that mean the other half live happily ever after?

Seriously doubtful.

At that point, Elliot pointed out that while the titos may have cheated, they always left their mistresses and bastard children to come home to their wives.

I failed to see how this was a redeeming quality and told him so, though I permitted,

“If you can be that person, who can open the door for their spouse and get into bed with them knowing that they were with someone else just hours ago, then okay.” Although I gave him a hard stare to indicate that finding such a person in a society that grew up on the belief that it only takes one person to make you truly happy and everyone else is just white noise, would be near impossible.

People do cheat and there are going to be temptations down the road. But it’s up to every person to decide if taking that temptation is worth losing the commitment you made and the person you made it to…

I was in a, well, ‘thing’ with one of my exes last year. Neil and I had dated a lot earlier and went through a lot of ups and downs before finally breaking up for good. Despite that, we still saw each other quite often without being in a relationship with each other. I used to ask him,

“What am I to you?” And Neil would shrug and say,

“You’re the most important person to me.”

And I accepted it even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear because I wanted to be with him even if he couldn’t give me what I wanted. I knew it wasn’t enough, but I figured it was the most he could give me. And I thought it was okay because I loved him.

Then Michael came into my life in the New Year with a whirlwind of deprecating jokes, imported beers, awkward humor, and too many piercings. With him, I felt this insane attraction, this great connection that I honestly thought I’d never be able to feel with another person after Neil, my most intense relationship. Up until Michael and I started talking into the late hours in the morning, I confidently told anyone who asked,

“If I can’t be in a relationship with Neil, I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone.”

But things changed. Feelings grew, and before I knew it, I was asking myself if what I could have with Michael was worth losing everything I’d had and everything I could continue to have with Neil.

…

I decided then that Michael was worth it. So I took a chance…and was proven wrong months later.

Sitting with Neil at the end of my driveway on the same night that, a mere two hours earlier, Michael had dumped me, I smiled a little when I told Neil, “Michael was a mistake. But he was a mistake I needed to make…”

Because otherwise, I may have stayed with Neil. And even as the idea of Neil in a new relationship killed the part of me that still loved him, I figured he probably felt the same. He probably didn’t regret losing me like I did on some days. But I couldn’t stay with him like we were, and Michael was a happy excuse to leave that Neil didn’t question.

When Neil said, “I don’t love you” without even looking at me after I asked him if he felt anything for me, I knew it didn’t matter to him. And those words grounded whatever pieces of my heart that Michael hadn’t completely shattered.

…After sharing that with Elliot, whose been like a brother to me throughout my breakups, Then I asked him if he walked into his relationship with Anita* his girlfriend for almost two years thinking she would cheat on him. He didn’t speak for a moment and shook his head.

“So did you start dating her knowing you were going to cheat on her instead?”

He shook his head again.

So I asked, “Have you had temptations?”

He nodded. “Yeah.”

“Have you ever given in?”

He pressed his mouth to a firm line and shook his head once more.

“Why not?

Elliot shrugged. And it bothered me. Not so much that he seemed so nonchalant about an idea that he was originally endorsing to begin with, but because he looked…helpless almost. Like infidelity and divorces were natural processes that he had no choice but to go with because it’s all he’s known.

I realized then that Elliot figured he’d turn out like his dad and leave his children behind. I’m not naïve even to assert that it’ll never happen. Just because he’s a great kuya doesn’t mean he’ll make a great husband, let alone a good father.

So I reiterated because I wanted him to hear it when it looked like he was somewhere else in his mind: just because people want to cheat, and certain people do give in to the temptations doesn’t mean everyone does. Just because it happens, doesn’t have to make it right, and it doesn’t mean you should be okay with it. 

 *I dare anyone who’s aware of my personal life to not guess this person’s identity

P.S: Gio came on. Enjoy seeing how [statistics don't tell the whole truth.]