There’s this girl I know, Mina*. Pretty much for as long as we’ve been friends for the past ~8 years she’s been in a long-standing relationship with the same guy. Considering that this has been going on since high school, when relationships are as labile as the hormones fuel them, it’s a pretty impressive feat. Throw in the issue that most relationships (let alone marriages) end before a year even passes, and you might be remotely as amazed as I am that they’ve stayed together for so long.
I don’t take relationships of other people very seriously. The way I figure it, people get into relationships because they don’t want to be alone or they enjoy the companionship of another person. But rarely do I believe that it’s because these people want their relationships to actually last. By that I mean people my age are at that time when all they’d really like to do is enjoy their lives rather than look forward to having it tied with another’s, so when people get together, there’s a part of me predicting how long it’ll last even as I congratulate them.
Some can call it being pessimistic, but I like to believe I’m being realistic; assessing a situation and inferring from what I’ve seen what the possible endings could be.
Now, my friend Mina hasn’t just been in a relationship for 8 years. Half of those years, actually, have been spent in long-distance; cross-country to be more accurate. I can’t speak for whatever issues they’ve encountered over the years, but suffice to say with these simple facts alone, it’s an admirable feat to maintain this relationship when most of my friends hook-up and break-up with every other full moon.
They aren’t without their drama, of course, and there have been more than a few moments in the past when I’ve seriously wondered what it must take (what sacrifices must’ve been made) to make it work for both of them. At some point, I realized that, much like my aging father braving the cold to save my mother’s flowers, it must be love.
…a thought that consistently makes me scoff (and makes me feel bad for scoffing). But I feel that it isn’t unwarranted. Once again, I question the judgment held by my age group. Sure, we aren’t the acne-pussing, angst-ridden teenagers we were once upon a time; but we’re not exactly completely competent to run our lives completely. So, as with everyone who declares that they love someone, I question them; I’m concerned that perhaps they don’t completely understand what it is they’re saying.
I get that my past experiences may have “jaded” me, but it is a valid point. Granted, there are bound to be a few of us who are actually capable of being mature and loving individuals, but it’s a rarity that doesn’t get as much attention on MTV.
Watching and hearing of Mina’s interactions with her boyfriend, I do get concerned. There have been more than a few instances when I had to ask outright if she felt that she had any pride left to keep the relationship going. I recall in response once, she laughed over the phone and deprecatingly declared,
“Honey, I lost my pride a long time ago.”
I do not for a moment doubt the honesty of that statement. To watch her face light up and soften at his name is a sight to behold. To see the simple effect the thought of him has on her is beautiful. Every time she launches on a story or factoid about him, I can’t help but grin (her happiness is just so infectious).
Still, as that grin spreads on my face, there’s a part of me that resents her, that resents the happiness she’s found so early and held on to for so long while I’m here, writing a blog because I’m incapable of finding someone who can love me enough to stay.
Yes, I’m happy for her and for this amazing treasure trove she has and I’d die to have something as remotely satisfying in my life. But that isn’t the case nowadays and that’s something I’m slowly coming to terms with, with every new update here.
I know now that it’s not just happiness and sunshine and rainbows for her and her boyfriend. Like her pride, a lot’s been given up, put aside, put on hold for the sake of keeping each other together. Perhaps, in my experience, it’s not so much that I can’t find someone who can love me enough to stay with me; perhaps it’s that I can’t find anyone I love enough to keep.
I don’t like the thought of that.
I’ve always felt that I’ve given my all in my past relationships; that I’ve tried and tried and tried to make things work with the men I was with because I genuinely believed that he had a place in my heart and in my future. But maybe, just maybe, what I gave up wasn’t enough.
The stubborn part of me insists that I should have to give up anything; that I have standards and I should stick with them no matter what. But the rational part of me points out that every relationship, romantic or otherwise, requires some level of compromise, sequences of give and take to maintain a balance. I don’t know which side I actually subscribe to, in truth. Compromising hits hard on me, and I’m reminded of Janus, and the Monster and the Angel in each of us; you can’t look at one face and ignore the existence of the other.
To simply accept their other sides is an accomplishment I have yet to achieve. Perhaps that is the root of my issues? My inability to accept anything less than the perfection I believe I deserve? Maybe so. After all, if I can’t even succinctly determine that I want all of a person (the good, bad, and demonic), how am I expected to be willing to give things up for them for the sake of keeping them in my life.
Thinking of Mina and her boyfriend, I am a hodgepodge of skeptical, amazed, humbled, and just a tad jealous. Perhaps one magical day will come and someone will think the same of me.
*name changed although it's kinda obvious who she is...
Written 12/21/10
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