Day 57 Concede

When I started this blog, there was a part of me that subscribed to the saying, “You find what you’re looking for once you stop looking for it.”

And, despite creating this blog for the sole purpose of attempting to find a semblance of a life outside of being attached to another human being, there was definitely a miniscule piece of my hear that was holding out for that equally diminutive chance that, against all odds, I’d manage to find that happiness that has eluded me for the better part of the past few years.

It was a small hope, exhibited by one of my own resolutions to keep myself open to new opportunities and people that may come into my life. But now, well, now I give up.

Yeah. I officially.give.up.

Today, I send up a figurative middle finger to Fate and her sisters and say in the loudest voice I possibly can, “FUCK IT!”

FUCK the fuckers who break your heart with a smile like they’re doing it for you.

FUCK the idiotic pussies who didn’t take the chances when they were offered.

FUCK meaningless relationships with men boys who don’t know the meaning of the word “love” but have the audacity to use it anyway before dumping you in the next breath.

FUCK hoping that you were wrong about those fuckers, those idiotic pussies and those meaningless relationships.

AND FUCK believing those “I love you”s EVEN HARDER

“You find what you’re looking for once you stop looking”?!

It’s bullshit. Worse even, it’s bullshite, so beyond bullshit that I had to throw in an “e” at the end. You stop looking for something because you realize that it’s not worth it; not worth your time, your effort, or the emotional turmoil you get thrown into in the aftermath.

To have that wish turn into a dream that you put your hopes into before going on a rollercoaster that ends the same way it started, with you on the ground, likely without even your shoes…it’s exhausting.

And you can only try going on so many rides with those same expectations until you arrive at that realization as you’re puking your rearranged guts out: you look like a pathetic idiot and there are a ton of other bitches riding what you were just on.

I’m tired. Of believing in things that just aren’t going to happen and in people that disappoint me for shits and giggles.

This is me letting go of that hope I didn’t even want to admit to having and facing the reality that I’m given without any qualms or aspirations about my love life, or rather, my inherent lack of one. I am done trying and praying and daydreaming.

This is my white flag.