Day 130 Family Values

I grew up a very particular way. "Particular" in both that it was a slightly strange upbringing as it was specifically targeted to me and my peers.

Albeit not as weird as these guys.

Being Filipino isn't glamorous. Turns out, third world countries don't turn out a lot of gliteratti...but they do turn out a lot of nurses and engineers, the former of which was my mother's profession. A bit after Hurricane Andrew sodomized South Florida, a lot of people left, leaving a void even the healthcare system needed to adjust for...a void that was gradually filled by an influx of Filipino nurses.

This was my society. 

As anyone with any level of understanding of gender roles can tell you, all these nurses were women. To be more specific, they were mothers, wives, and (most importantly) they were on work visas. Even more to the point: their husbands weren't. So while I was a little too young to understand the concept of "breadwinners," I gradually learned to appreciate how...unique my upbringing was. While most of the kids at my private school (I got the culture shock of my life when I transferred to public school in the second grade) had daddies that were still at work while their mommies came to pick them up at the end of the day, my dad made me sandwiches when I came home from school and mom went off to the hospital when the sun went down.

It actually took me a couple of years to realize that this setup wasn't quite the norm for everyone else since everyone else that I spent time with (other Filipino children) had the nearly-identical family life (with a variance in amount of siblings and age of course). But I liked it. Aside from instilling some fantastic feminist values in me, my way of growing up kind of...devalued the status quo of the supposed gender and familial roles. Every and anyone could work to earn money and/or still care for their children. I was one of those rare instances when I thought my family was "cool."

 

(These moments don't repeat themselves often)

Exhibit A

So when I hear of families that don't work it out (especially when they have children) it bothers me. Such was the case of a family that was part of my mother's choir, where the father pretty much just left the family when certain demands of his weren't met (including having an apartment for himself and having his wife give him an allowance). And even though a part of me worries that I've been Bible-bashed a few too many times, the bigger part of my head and heart just doesn't understand what it could take to walk away from your wife and children.

"Why do you think he did that?" My dad asked in that tone that said he already knew the answer.

"Because he's a douche?" 

"No." He says firmly, like it's the most serious issue we've ever come across. "It's because he didn't have freedom and because he feels trapped."

I turn to my mother, slightly appalled and concerned that we might have a fight over dinner at the Olive Garden. To my bigger surprise, she was nodding her head in agreement, saying,

"There has to be equality," Mom said like it was the easiest thing to understand. "Both should have access to their accounts."

At this point, I chose to hold my tongue over the fact that the Wife was the one who actually worked to make the money (like my mother and countless other Titas did) and the Husband was the homemaker taking care of their children (like my dad and two dozen of my Titos). I'm not saying his job was somehow less than his wife's...just that hers was more profitable...and I don't see how that money isn't her money. And while I've been known to be quite the awfully blunt bitch in social circles, I made the big-girl move to hold this particular observation to myself and merely quipped towards my father,

"Thanks for not leaving us Dad."

"Yeah." The Baby Sister added, laughing, "I know it was tempting, but thanks for not doing it."

Conversation continued and dinner resumed over a lovely bottle of Roscato. But I mulled the idea over in my head about marriages and supposed equality even though one person's work pays off more (literally). For years I've always figured that if I ever get married (a humongous IF) I'd be fine since I'd need to have my own job before even getting remotely engaged in the first place. I've grown up believing in female strength and ability with the women I've been able to watch growing up... and I've branched out my own beliefs in personal independence outside of relying on a spouse (my wifeys excluded). And it worries me that there will come a day when marriage and long-term relationships might get in the way of me and my way of living...or equally worrisome, if my independence gets in the way of potential marital bliss.

As of now, I think I'd pick me. Maybe it's because I haven't found anyone to keep me happy enough to leave everything else behind. Or maybe because I'm too selfish to give me up for anything...or anyone.