Day 229 Swallow the Sword

I forget when, but I guess someone at some point in my life turned to me and said,

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was yours all along. If it doesn't, it never was to begin with."

Over the years, I've seen the saying tagged with "emo" images of anonymous girls releasing birds/ballons/butterflies/bullshit into the air of a wide, open field... which, when you really thought about it, was kinda counterintuitive because you have to realize that once you release those things, short of attaching a tracking beacon on them, those suckers ain't coming back.  

You know it's going to end up on someone's windshield right?

Images like that, while pretty and sometimes poignant, don't mean much once you put it within the constraints of, you know, reality. That doesn't mean, however, that the phrase that's etched on it and others like it is any less true... to an extent I guess. I mean, aside from live insects and animals who will likely run the fuck away from humans, the only other thing you could apply said saying to is inanimate objects and, let's face it, no one willingly let's go of an object unless a) they don't need it b) they know they're going to get it back eventually.

See, letting go of a balloon isn't really that big of a deal...unless you're Nicky and would like to acutely aware everyone that they're going to kill baby sea turtles should you do so.

To be fair, the last time I willingly let go of a balloon was to make a wish to the Sky Dragon for good luck.
...I was in high school. That was a weird day.

But fact is, you don't particularly mind letting go of said balloon because it doesn't hurt, there's no attachment, no apprehension should it not come back to you (and you're smart, so you know it's not coming back). But a person... now there's a screwy one.

I've heard this saying a hundred times over and I might've spewed it out a few times to other people when I was younger and thought that transitioning to high school was like, the biggest shiz to go down in my life since I grew breasts. While the saying rings true in a lot of relationships, romantic and otherwise, saying it when you're ten years old doesn't mean nearly as much as it does when you're in your 20s and really, really can't take anymore heartbreak in your life.

Letting go of things when you're young isn't such a big deal...when you look back at it. But at the moment when you have to let something or someone go, an uncle you never knew but everyone else seemed to love, a pillow you've had since you were five, or that one boy in your fifth grade class that you swore you'd talk to after the weekend only for him to never come back to school that Monday... you freak a little. It's easy to placate a freaking friend with soothing words you read off of someone's Myspace (does anyone even have those anymore?). But to be in that position, to not only realize that you're on the precipice of losing something that you may not even have known meant so much to you, but that you're going to accept it leaving you... there's the kicker.

It's taking the fall and praying as you topple towards the cement that nothing gets shattered...you know it's likely an idiotic and delusional hope, but you ask for it anyway because in that one moment of freaking the fuck out, you're going to choose to believe in miracles...even if you know you're probably not going to get one.

I can tell you I love you a hundred times over and that we're going to find each other again and again until we die. But right now, I'm scared to death that you're going to fade away, not because you're going to choose to, but because I can't find a way to keep you and I honestly can't think of anything more terrifying right here and now than losing you again.