Day 394 Preemptive Fin

I had a horde of Recall entries to write, of incomplete journals to finish and post...and I would've done all of that for the sake of completing this project today.

...except less than a dozen hours ago, I watched the Baby take her vows with tears in her eyes in front of her loved ones. While a part of me acknowledged that this was the end of one chapter of our lives as a family, it would be the beginning of a whole new story, another series altogether, not better or worse than the last, just different in its narrative, its setting, and an ending that no one could dare to expect to hope to understand. 

"Relationships are not a panacea to loneliness." He told me those words and I hold them dear and close to my heart when I see my sister kiss her husband for the first time. I know this beautiful thing I get to witness is not a cure-all, it's not a remedy for a disease, but moreso akin to the first breath a newborn takes when entering life; it is the beginning of a lifetime. And while I am heartbroken to feel my sibling tie severed with this woman in off-white, I am relieved that she is with someone who has restored her faith in relationships, in love, and in life. 

And it is there, in a stuffy back room in a courthouse with a dozen other people and a four-month-old with no air conditioning, that I decide that the last few days of this project are not necessary. Like Jason has said, I have done what I set out to do; I have found myself. 

But even more importantly, I have accepted myself and come to terms with the idea that, although I hope and pray for a fulfilling relationship one day with someone who can challenge and love me all the same, I am simply too wonderfully comfortable and happy with being just me to actively pursue such an endeavor. I originally hoped that 2011 would be my "Single and Celibate" year, to be followed by my "Date and Mate" year in 2012. And now, well, I don't think I care too much.

I'm satisfied at the moment, with myself, my family as it stands, with the gifts that the all-powerfuls have given me from the friends that have inadvertently and unknowingly pulled me from suicide attempts to the job that gives me purpose and faith in a better tomorrow to the parents that make me want to pull my hair and hug them at the same time. 

I am a lucky girl. Sex or no sex, this I now know without a shadow of a doubt in my mind. And it gives me enough comfort to say good-bye to this project and open my new journal with hope and joy for a better year that even the Mayans couldn't anticipate. Here's to 2011 for being a wonderful year in showing me who and what matters, and here's to 2012 for being the year that I show who/what matters how grateful I am for having them. 

Thank you, any/everyone who has followed me from the start with enthusiasm and encouragement. Keep an eye out for my latest project to begin in the new year. Maybe it'll amuse you too...