Day 43 (Recall) DSC00194

I found a photo of us.

It’s just you and me and the rest of the world’s black and blurry, as it should be. It’s digital, because I thought I had forever to print it out so that we could look at it and smile together on your bed.

There was a moment that night that I knew I loved you. You probably thought I was just drunk, but even then, before the rest of the words left my mouth months later, I knew I loved you, like I still love you now. I haven’t seen this picture in a bit, almost forgot it existed, like I’d forgotten that you once made me happy, that once upon a time, you were my world.

There are times and days when I remember those moments when the small calls and texts weren’t enough. When I just wanted to see you so bad despite the hours in between. When seeing you again for the first time in weeks was like a sigh of relief I didn’t even know I’d been holding in.

It’s funny and tragic how we went from that to this; a memory, a blurry photograph that hurts too much to print and hurts a hundred times over to delete.

I know I should forget about it, like you have. That I should just put it in my Recycle Bin and press the “Empty” button.

But I’m not like you. Over time, I realized that I have a habit of collecting a certain type of boys: the kind who are young, impulsive and have no idea what they want. I realized, looking at this photo, that there’s been another trait you all have shared: you never looked back.

I can’t let go of someone I love. When you use that word, it’s like a bond of forever that you can’t sever even if you wanted to. At least it’s the case for me.

You, on the other hand, and the others that came before you, have never looked back. You walked away and moved on and never spared a thought for me. It was always about you and your pain, not the pain you caused, not the hurt you dealt, or the girl you left behind sobbing on the other side.

I found a photo of a couple, so clearly and so happily in love that it shines through even as a jpeg file.

And I thought, “I wish that could be us every single day.”

Written 1/10/11