Day 182 Hack

I get some horrible news. Like, my earth-shattered-in-an-instant-and-I-have-trouble-breathing-and-OMG-WTF-is-going-on?!?!?!?! kind of news. The kind that makes me want to cry and scream and confuses me all the same. Like when the Dunphy kids caught their parents doing it.

EPIC episode

 ...except my encounter is just god-awful that I reach for the phone the instant I read it and call someone I really really (like really) didn't want to call. 

The conversation starts out as horrible as I expected because the last time we spoke it was beyond clear that having a normal conversation without prolonged silences was just waaaay beyond our capacity to do; we agreed that we'd never talk about whatever happened and that we'd still be there for our mutual friends because, just because you have a (fake, social) divorce doesn't mean you both can't be there for the kids. So this-this awkward, terrible conversation from hell is just something I do not need now and not just because I start my period in about three days.

Yes, this is plush. And someone better get me one for my birthday

But then...it's not terrible. Actually, it's not even awkward and the only time neither of us is speaking happens when at least one of us is laughing. Somewhere, between getting off the call at the completely wrong foot (so wrong of a foot that it's actually a reptilian tail), the conversation turns nice, pleasant. Someone makes the joke, someone else makes an insult and, before I know it, almost an hour has passed and I feel terrible that I've left Ricky alone for so long. But I can't hang up just yet, because it feels so nice to talk, and not just because I've been wanting to talk, but rather, because I know that the other line doesn't want to. 

It may have been terribly egotistical, but it was nice, to be able to draw a laugh or a smile over that static when neither were anticipated. I tell myself that there's a reason I dreaded making this call...but towards the end of it, I realize that I've brought up random things and said so much useless fluff just to stay on the line. I know it's a bad habit, like blacking out after drinking or chain-smoking (both of which I've quit doing), but when I realize I'm smiling and Ricky says he stopped worrying about me when he heard me giggling outside his door, I think, "It can't be that bad." 


(I'm aware that I'm lying to myself. But it's okay. Because old habits die hard and maybe this one will be hard enough to slap me back to reality.......one day).