Day 210 Right Round

I'd like to believe that everything happens for a reason. It may be a really stupid, superfluous reason, but I want to believe in the idea that not everything is done by complete random chance.

I told a man today that it was better that we don't hear from each other anymore. He had a moment of clarity and agreed, acknowledging that we were a hot mess whenever we were together in any sense of the word. Still, I felt rather than saw him shrug the idea off when he said that it didn't matter and we'd find ourselves in the same place together again sometime; that it was just a matter of when.

It wasn't a cocky statement, like he knew I'd show up at his doorstep eventually. It was said without a smidge of sarcasm, like he'd been standing outside in the rain and said, "Oh, I'm soaked." It was just a matter of fact.

And I'm kind of annoyed at how readily I accepted it.

I understand that there are just some people who will always find a way to rotate themselves into the periphery of my life at some interval that I will never be able to predict. And I've accepted that, because that's simply how some of my relationships work. But this whatever-ship with this man makes me severely uncomfortable. Not because he makes me squirm, but rather, because he makes me feel like I belong... and then leaves.

It's not that he does so maliciously, with the intent of hurting me and leaving me behind to miss his company and presence in my life. But rather, he does so because it's in his nature to not stay long anywhere. It's not particulary his "fault" per se, moreso his inherent inclination: he steps in, he steps out; it's simply how he is.

The thing is, every time he steps in my life, he leaves a bit of a wake behind, nothing as bad as a tornado, but at least a really bad thunderstorm that knocks down a few trees into powerlines and sets them ablaze: it's inconvenient and a bit of a pain in the ass to clean up, but nothing too permanent. The thing is, the more times this walking disaster blows by, the harder it is to clean up when the smoke clears. And I'm sitting here, truly wondering if there's a way to stop this from happening and could I ever find the balls to make it happen?