Day 339 Wario Can't Hang

I'm running late so I throw my heels and Susie's overalls into the trunk and load up. Someone in my neighborhood has been having a little too much fun with a fog machine so the single street out to the edge of my unit is a little hazy and I drive at 10mph and switch on my headlights to see the little kids running to and fro across the street. 

I hit the pedal when I hit the turnpike, gunning it as I head to pick up Nicky. The roads are more crowded than I anticipated. I mean, it is Halloween, but it's Monday, people! Apparently, Miami is the city that doesn't respect weekday rituals in the face of the chance to get out and get shitfaced. 


Myself included. 


Nicky looks annoyed when she gets into the car. Which is understandable since she just spent the day dealing with floods in Broward and the pissed off people that have to deal with it every day. We both come to the conclusion that we need drinks ASAP. 


We get to Susie's a little later than we'd planned and as we park in front of her home, we both take the time to admire the cuteness of Susie's house, the porch decked out with a sprawling spider web and a dropping spider that's triggered by anyone passing by the front of the house that scares the fuck out of me when we approach the door. 


Susie's parents welcome us into their home. I'm a little jealous of her parents who, despite being around the same ages as my parents, are more fit and capable of going out and doing things with their kids. Susie's been doing her hair (which I always find a bit silly because she always ends up putting it into a bun or a ponytail by the end of the night) and Nicky and I already have our overalls strapped and ready to go. We find that Susie's and my overalls are a little too big (Nicky's fits perfectly of course because she has an ass from here to next Thursday) so we go a little safety-pin crazy. 


Twenty minutes later, we finally decide to unleash the mustaches only to find,
"Ah... shit!" I wince, as I peel off my hairy mustache after trying it out and feeling my skin getting pulled up with it.
Susie laughs, "I think you just got a free wax."
I can't help but agree, thinking that it's gonna be really hard to breathe with the damn thing on my face, but I figure it can't be too bad when I look too awesome. 

True, Mario never rocked high heels or a rack, but I figure it can't be too bad. My counterparts are looking pretty smexy too if I do say so myself. 

Of course, we're outshined by Susie's dad, who disappears for ten minutes and emerges in rocker grunge and a skeezy black wig that's made infinitely hilarious when you know he spends every day in business-mode with his glasses and rapidly-receding hairline. After taking in pasta made by Susie's mom, we pack into Susie's SUV with her dad at the helm and head out. 


Susie's been going to Coconut Grove since she was a kid but Nicky and I have apparently been more of the trick-or-treat and then party-like-a-rockstar kids over the years. So it's our first time and we're just kind of going with the flow of things. Mr. C passes through the nearby neighborhood, once stopping in front of a dark (and I mean dark-as-fuck) yard where one man was telling us it was okay to park at. Considering that it was seriously a dark hole of sketchiness, we passed, ultimately stopping at a front yard where Mr.C gives a man $5 to park on the spot. 


And we were off!


Within minutes of walking through the crowd, my arm gets grabbed twice, prompting me to vow,


"I will smack down the next black man who attempts to touch me!!"


Nicky laughs and says she'd love to see it, but she puts an arm around me anyway to ward off stray hands and (I assume) to keep me from making a midget-mess of myself. It works and we spend the rest of the night walking around taking in the entire crowd around us, filled with an assortment of costumes including faaar too many groups of guys walking around shirtless. 


"I really think some people just got lazy and slapped on their underwear and called it a night." I complain.
"It works for girls." Nicky points out and I have no choice but to concede.  


We have trouble getting into the bars, but it doesn't really matter because within the hour, our little outing turns into a photoshoot extravaganza. I'm really not kidding when I say that we spent more than half the night posing for photos with a lot of weird people, including Sexual Harassment Panda, who was enjoying hugging me a little too much when Susie and Nicky couldn't figure out how to take the damn picture. 

"...I'm reeeeeally glad they can't figure out how to to take this picture. I'm really good riiiiiight here." Mr. Sexual Harassment Panda says after we've stayed in our hug for over a minute because somehow, working a Blackberry is just beyond the scope of my partners' practice. 


We get a fair amount of catcalls (my wife and daughter are just too sexy) and run into a lot of Marios and a lot more people getting confused over who the fuck Waluigi was. By the fifth person asking who Nicky was, I'd started losing my patience and shouting at whoever asked, 


"She's Waluigi bitch!"


At the same time, we run to people who ask us "Where's Wario?" To which I reply, "He couldn't hang with the rest of us!" We actually manage to find a group of guys dressed up exactly as our counterparts and take a picture with them. Susie eyes her warily not to burn her with his cigarette, Nicky stares hers down with her patented-stay-back-look, and mine gets my number because I don't know a polite way of saying, "No, I don't want to give you my nuumber, please go away." (This guy will text me in four hours saying hi and I won't respond because how the hell are you supposed to??)


A few hours later, we decide to call it a night and backtrack to the the car... to find that it's gone. Apparently, the sketchy man who took $5 from Mr. C did not own the property he was "allowing" us to park on, ultimately getting our car and several others towed.

The little old lady in the house was just as irked, having gone to sleep and waking up hours later to a shitload of cars using her lawn as  a parking lot. The bitter part of me wanted to argue that, if this happened as many times as she was bitching about, she probably should've put up a fence or, fuck!, a sign even to keep people off her property. It wasn't like anyone was trying to fuck up her lawn: we got duped as much as she did. 


In any case, we found a cab and packed ourselves in, with me putting my bony butt on one of Nicky's and Susie's thighs. I felt bad, even if Susie has thighs of steel from gymnastics and Nicky's pole-dancing has given her thunder-thighs a great cushion for me to feel up on. The ride isn't as long and we wind up back at Susie's house in no time; we thank her family and they take off to make sure her car is at the impound, while Nicky and I stay behind to walk Susie's ratty dogs and recount what was an unexpectedly interesting and memorable night. :)